A reader writes:
I’ve been on the job for about six months and I’m having a problem with someone on my team, Sally. She is very sweet, kind and a team player. Our roles are similar, except I’m part-time and he’s full-time. She’s been in this job for almost 20 years and I think she thinks I’m a lot greener than I am. Although I am new to my role, I have done very similar, and often much more complex, versions of this role in other organizations. Our team projects are similar and we help each other as needed, but at the end of the day they are completely owned by each team member.
It seems like Sally thinks there is a right way to do things and only she knows what it is. She seems unable to talk about my projects with me without giving me unsolicited advice.
She assumes that any small negative thing I share about a project is an invitation to give me advice, and often it’s for the most obvious or smallest thing! Like, I shared that I had a presenter to go to clients on time and I had to cut them off. Then he repeated the same strategies I had used as if I couldn’t handle it. This happens all the time. I mention a minor annoyance or “not entirely planable” moment that I’ve encountered or even fixed, and she’ll take it as a “teachable” moment for me. Or, I’ll share how I’ve talked to a client and she’ll advise me on what she thinks I should have said, and usually that’s the same information she delivers. For example, I said to a customer, “Widget A has these aspects that will suit your needs.” He suggested that I should have instead said, “The individual components of widget A will work really well for you.” This rewriting happens constantly and it feels like she’s trying to impose her personality/style on the way I talk. And if I ask her a pointed question on one aspect of customer communication, she’ll try to dictate an entire email to me.
Our desks are right next to each other and we chat a bit. And in all other ways we have very friendly relations! Most of our conversations start because she directly asks how a project has been/is going.
How do I get him to back off a little? I’ve tried to be super positive about all of my projects and not share anything too abstract, but she always asks lots of follow-up questions or even just gives general advice. And you know, sometimes I just want to share when something doesn’t go 100% to plan, because that’s the nature of the work we do, and often those little failures make for great, silly stories!
I admit that I sought out this role because I had a child and wanted something simple, so maybe I’m overly sensitive to their advice because I already feel “overqualified” for my position. But the constant advice is annoying, and makes me feel like Sally thinks I can’t handle the work I do or that I haven’t thought about it deeply enough.
You can read my response to this letter in New York magazine today. go there to read it.
