Parents today strive to raise their children to have good grades, good behavior, and high achievement. We want them to do well and be able to deal with the challenges in life. But Research Shows that self-confidence and resilience arise from the child’s ability to feel completely secure in being themselves.
In my work studying over 200 children, and as a mother myself, I have found that beneath the disobedience and behavior problems, there is almost always a child who does not feel comfortable expressing what they feel and need.
In other words, how safe your child feels with you today determines how he or she will become as an adult. Here are six ways to shape that security right from the start.
1. Stop rushing to tell your child about their feelings
Most parents move quickly to calm down or recover. When a baby cries, we can say “You’re okay.” When they are angry, we say “Calm down.” When they feel overwhelmed, we look for the fastest way out of the moment.
As a result, children increasingly learn to differentiate themselves. What they really need is a parent who can stay with them for a long time rather than just feeling comfortable.
Resist the urge to fill the silence. Instead, try: “I see you’re really upset. I’m right here. Take as much time as you need.” That simple act of staying teaches a child that their feelings are alive and safe.
2. Let your child define his inner world
Parents constantly tell their children: “You can’t be hungry, you just ate.” “You fell asleep early. How can you still be tired?” “She’s your friend. You don’t hate her.”
While well-intentioned, these phrases teach the child not to trust what they feel, and instead let someone else define their inner experience.
Research on Emotional Validation This suggests that children whose emotions are constantly stressed grow up to be adults who struggle to trust their own judgment.
Instead, ask: “What do you feel?” Or what do you think?” Then stop talking and let them take ownership of their experience.
3. Know the difference between a child who is thriving and one who is adapting
Some of the best-behaved children are also the least emotionally secure.
They have often learned long ago that keeping the peace keeps the relationship safe and being easy to manage keeps the love intact. So they comply and try to give you what you need.
But the child who withdraws and openly expresses frustrations often feels the most emotionally safe.
4. Stop Judging Your Child and Start Paying Attention to Them
Phrases like “Good job” or “That was disappointing” may seem harmless, but they can send the wrong message that kids are always being measured.
Instead of evaluating, describe what you see and be curious about what they feel. Instead of “Good job,” try “I saw how hard you worked on that.” Instead of “Stop being mean,” ask, “What emotions are you feeling right now?” Try.
Moving from judgment to genuine curiosity creates safety.
5. Not everything needs a reaction
The impulse to over-explain or over-correct often comes from a place of love. But when every emotion or behavior gets immediate input, your child never gets space to process his or her own feelings. They learn to look outside for answers and stop listening to their own thoughts over time.
Resist the urge to let every moment guide you and try to be present without an agenda.
6. Do your own emotional work
Emotional safety education must feel real. Children can sense the difference between a parent who acts quietly and a parent who really works to get there.
Be curious to know about their reactions. When a moment feels overwhelming, ask: “Why does this feel so big to me right now?” That question alone begins to disrupt the pattern.
Before responding to my child in a difficult moment, I often take a breath and ask myself: “Whose feelings am I really responding to in this moment? Mine or theirs?”
Reem Rouda is a leading voice in conscious parenting and creator of Bound and Foundation magazines, now offered together as Emotional Security Bundle. She is widely recognized for her expertise in children’s emotional well-being and for redefining the meaning of raising emotionally healthy children. find him Instagram.
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