Last week I was asked to stay away from screens for a few days due to a possible injury (I’m fine), so today and tomorrow will include some posts from the archives. It was originally published in 2015.
A reader writes:
I’ve been at my job for about six months and am by far the youngest person in my office of 10-15 people. I’m in my mid-20s (second job after college) in an office where everyone else is 40+. For the most part, everyone works well together and age differences don’t matter. But I have a co-worker, an older woman we’ll call Sue, who insists on “parenting” me and getting involved in my personal life. She often brings “goodies” to the office and will email everyone that they are available, but will insist on bringing something for me at my desk “because she knows how much kids eat.”
The first time I took a day off, the next day Sue asked me if I had called in sick unexpectedly. Confused, I told him, no, I have taken a pre-approved vacation day. She said she was “surprised I didn’t tell her about this in advance” and asked if “I was going to meet my boyfriend.” We’re in completely different teams and our work doesn’t overlap at all! There’s really no work-related reason she needs to know everything I do, and even if she did, she doesn’t need to know what I do outside of work.
This sequence continues. If I take some time off, she’ll either ask about it before or after (depending on whether she’s already noticed it on my calendar or not) and ask why I need time off (“Are you going to visit your parents/meet your boyfriend/take a personal day/are sick?”).
Recently, I went for kidney surgery and was out of the office for some time. Sue, through Facebook, decided to contact my mom! He asked my mother to keep him updated about my surgery and progress. My mother agreed to do so, thinking it was a nice gesture. When I was on vacation, she would regularly message me asking how I was doing, and if I didn’t respond within a few hours, she would contact my mom.
Now that I’ve returned to the office, Sue keeps an eye on me and asks health-related questions like “Are you feeling okay? You’ve been drinking a lot of water today” and “I noticed you went to the toilet a lot today. Is everything still working in there?” I told him to please stop asking me as it inconvenienced me and informed him that I would come to him if I had any issue I wanted to discuss. Later, Sue messaged my mom on Facebook asking if I was okay because I was unusually rude to her!
help!
Sue is out of her element.
The “I know how much kids eat” thing is so amusing. Does she think you’re 14 and going through a puberty-induced growth spurt?
But apart from entertainment, he has crossed many boundaries here. Being mothered by coworkers is usually annoying, but Sue is going far beyond the usual annoying parenting that 20somethings sometimes have to deal with. Contacting your mother?! Monitoring your bathroom usage?! He is so far away from his gourd in this area that the gourd is in another solar system.
Let Sue off cold turkey from today on. You will no longer accept even light comments or inquiries about your personal life from him. He needs to hear clearly and repeatedly that this is unwanted and not okay. That means:
* Tell your mother immediately not to have any further contact with Sue. Ideally, if Sue tries to contact her again, your mother will say, “Jane is an adult and manages her own life. I’m not the right person to approach about this.” But if your mother won’t do that, she will at least have to ignore Sue and not respond to her. (Also, if I’m guessing correctly they are now connected on Facebook, ask your mother to break that connection.)
* When Sue asks about your vacation time, say, “Why do you ask?” If she continues to inquire (“Are you going to meet your boyfriend?”) or does anything other than withdraw, say, “Sue, I wouldn’t like to discuss this. Please don’t ask me how I’m spending my day. Thank you.”
* If she expresses surprise that she doesn’t know about your planned vacation days or anything else about your lives, say, “Our work doesn’t overlap at all. Is there some reason I’m missing that you would need to know?”
* If she continues to ask questions about your health, say, “I’ve got it under control.” If she continues to ask after that, say, “Like I said, I’ve got it under control. Please stop asking.” and/or “It’s weird that you’re monitoring how much I’m drinking/using the restroom. Please stop doing that.” (If he seems very rude to you, please know that it is not – he is rude and it is perfectly reasonable for you to assert boundaries with him. But if you know that you will not actually be able to use words like that, you can simply stick to “I’ve got it under control”.)
* If she makes more awkward age-related comments like about bringing you gifts because she knows how much kids eat, say, “Sue, I’m an adult. That’s a really weird thing to say to a co-worker.”
(Actually, that frame – “This is a really weird thing to say to a co-worker” – should be your position on all this. What’s she doing? Is Very awkward, and it’s completely appropriate for you to express this with your face, tone, and words.)
You may be able to control it this way – if you refuse to let his mother stay with you, hopefully the lack of satisfaction will eventually make him stop. But you may also need to have the bigger picture conversation with him, either now or for a few weeks if doing the above doesn’t stop it. It would sound like this: “I’m not sure how you treat me any differently than the rest of our coworkers. I’m an adult and I don’t need to be a mother. I want you to stop monitoring my health and my vacation days, stop asking how often I’m drinking water or using the bathroom, or generally behave like my mother. And speaking of my mother, please do not continue to contact her. I want you to Treat me like any other colleague, not a young person who needs your help.”
Ultimately, whether or not Sue stops is not entirely under your control. But he has a reaction to you, and you have a lot of power to starve him of the information and reactions that make it beneficial to him. Give it a try, and I’m sure even if it doesn’t stop 100%, it will go far back. And meanwhile, coworkers who see you handling it this way will see you as mature and rational and that will be… quite awkward.
Read the update of this letter here.
