These are five answers to five questions. Here it is…
1. I’m worried that a former co-worker is an alcoholic
Before going back to school I worked as a heavy-duty mechanic. I met my partner at this job and I’ve kept in touch with a coworker (Carl) who recently turned 40. Because Carl’s original plans for his birthday fell through, some coworkers organized a get-together instead (there were eight of us total). One of the organizers, Parker, is a satellite worker (90 minutes away), but he is a friend of Carl’s and they see each other outside of work, have shared friends, etc. I didn’t have much contact with Parker when I worked there and haven’t had any since I left, but he was a good co-worker and I like him.
I’m worried about this: I think Parker is abusing alcohol very badly. At the get-together, Parker (literally) gets drunk. At one point I had a very circular conversation with him (“So what are you doing now?” “Let me tell you about my hobbies!” “I like this song, do you know this song?” – “Hey, so what are you doing now?”), he wanted me to turn the music on with his car keys (which he obviously didn’t get back), and he actually fell down several times. If I had not known for certain that he would not spend the night alone (Carl and Parker both slept where we were gathered), I would have insisted on taking him home with me.
I’d like to think it was a one-off, which wouldn’t have been great, but it had nothing to do with me. However, I was told stories after weekend and festival trips (which were not surprising given the general propensity of heavy-duty mechanics, and to be honest I considered them somewhat exaggerated) and Carl was not surprised either by how the evening went. Overall, I’m a little more worried about him.
Now, I don’t know Parker that well and I don’t have his number (although I could probably get it), plus I was only a (small) co-worker – and I left about a year ago! So I don’t think I have much capacity to raise this issue, leave alone press it. Also, not saying anything doesn’t feel right. I’ll talk about this with my partner when he gets back from his work trip, but the only thing I can do is have a conversation (for once!) with Carl about my concerns.
Can you think of something to do in such a situation? We’re not in the US and don’t have the equivalent of an EAP, nor did it ever occur to me that Parker would drink at or before work, although I could certainly be wrong about that.
Yes, unfortunately you’re not in a good position to raise this issue with Parker: you’re not close, you don’t work together yet, and you haven’t had any contact with him since you left this program. If all these things apply to your partner too, then he or she is also not in a good position to raise it. But your assumption that Carl is the one makes sense, because they are friends. You can certainly tell Carl that you are concerned that Parker is abusing alcohol to harmful levels and suggest that he consider talking with him. But that’s really the limit of what you’re going to be able to do.
Connected:
I think my coworker is an alcoholic
2. Asking a coworker to stop commenting on my looks (in a nice way)
I’m looking for a script on how to kindly but clearly tell a co-worker that I don’t want him to comment on my appearance.
When I joined my team almost two years ago, my colleague Gary was assigned to help train me, and our work still overlaps to the extent that we interact daily. Gary is very friendly and usually stops by my cubicle in the morning to say hello. I feel like he’s making an effort to connect and interact, but it’s become a habit for him to comment on what I’m wearing or my appearance. If I wear a yellow shirt, he jokingly avoids his eyes and comments on how bright it is. If I wear my hair in claw clips, he’ll say I look like a teacher that day. Once he asked if I was wearing a new shirt (I was – who pays attention to such things?!). During these meetings he stands very close to my chair, much closer than I feel comfortable with. This isn’t directly rude, but it is unwanted. I simply respond with a neutral response (“Oh!”) or redirect the conversation to try to eliminate the topic. And, of course, I am the youngest woman on the team and the recipient of these comments is no one else.
Gary is someone who doesn’t recognize social cues easily and likely has no idea how this behavior is coming out (and other coworkers have noted this as well). When these morning conversations happen, they reach our colleagues’ ears, and I’d like to be prepared with a direct but friendly response that doesn’t turn the conversation into fodder for office drama. I realize I should have addressed this long ago, except I’ve decided that my discomfort with these conversations is more tolerable than the anticipated discomfort of bringing it up to him. I think there is a possibility of resolving this amicably; I just need confidence and a line to get ready!
“I really don’t like my clothes or hair being commented on – wouldn’t you mind? Thanks!” Say this cheerfully and then change the subject to something else, which will demonstrate that you are fully willing to continue the warm relationship, but expect that your request will be complied with.
If he does it again after that: “Hey, like I said before, please don’t comment on my clothes or hair. It makes me really uncomfortable. Thanks.” This time, maybe No Pursue another topic; Let him deal with the awkwardness of the moment because he wasn’t respectful enough to listen to you the first time. (And if you feel bad about making things awkward, keep in mind that he’s been making things awkward for you this whole time, and you’ve already asked him to end it.)
If he is truly a kind and well-intentioned person, he will do what you asked. If this continues to happen after this, then he is not being kind or well-intentioned and you have a different problem – but hopefully you are right about his character and this will resolve it.
3. Interview with facial piercings and unnatural hair colors
I am a social worker and am in the process of applying for medical social work positions. I’m transitioning from the field of substance use social work, which is a field that is so comfortable with alternative styles that I could probably get a face tattoo and not have to worry about it impacting my employment. As someone with unnaturally colored hair and a handful of facial piercings, this has worked in my favor, including a bridge piercing, which I think would be considered too much in most work environments, even less conservative ones where a nose piercing and unnatural hair color would be acceptable.
But I know there are big differences from hospital-to-hospital when it comes to dress codes when it comes to hair color, piercings, and tattoos. What would be the most graceful way to handle this during the interview? Should I ask about dress code in advance in interviews? Should I explain what changes I want to make to my appearance at the interview? I’m currently planning on not removing the holes during the interview and waiting until I get confirmation for a position where it is not allowed, but is this also something that could hurt my chances?
The most cautious path is to take the piercing out for an interview and then, when you have an offer, ask about their policy on piercing at that time. This way, if someone objects, you are removing any possibility of unconscious bias influencing their hiring decision.
But if you don’t want to do that, it’s okay to say something in the interview like, “Obviously I have some piercings and blue hair, which probably benefited the field I work in now, but I’m willing to change them if needed for this job.”
4. Should I state that I am not part of the minority group I am applying for?
I am applying for a job that serves a specific minority group of which I am not a member. Is there anything I should consider when going through this process? Should I mention this in the phone interview (it’s not obvious on the phone or from my application that I don’t belong to this group) or should I mention it if I’m offered an in-person interview (where it will be obvious)?
Everyone in leadership on their website is a member of the minority group they serve, and I’m sure they would love a member of this group to fill that role. However, I am really interested in this role and serving this community and the job requires specific qualifications such that they may not be able to draw a good group of applicants from this one group.
No, you should not declare that you are not a member of the minority group they serve. You’re not hiding it; You don’t need to declare it. It’s very common for people to work in roles that support minority groups that they themselves are not a part of, so you don’t need to highlight this.
However, ideally you’ll say something about why you’re excited to do this work/work with this community, and if there’s something in your work history that ties into this, mention that as well (not required, it would just be helpful if you do).
5. Work seems unstable to my health
I have struggled with mysterious and unknown health problems most of my life. I’ve tried to find some kind of diagnosis or treatment for decades, but haven’t had much success taking it seriously.
As I’ve gotten older, this has become more of a problem in my work life. I feel like I’m constantly walking a tight rope between working enough to keep my job and taking enough sick time to keep my health from completely destroying itself.
I don’t think it has affected the quality of my actual work so far. But I’m definitely heading towards an unacceptable amount of work from home and sick days. I am in constant fear that my employer will become strict about working in an office because my health may not be able to handle it.
I am lucky in many ways. My manager has been supportive, and I’m part of a union. Theoretically I have access to generous sick leave. But my employer may take a strict stance on personal time, and without a diagnosis, I don’t think I can ask for an accommodation. (I will need a doctor’s note for this.)
I guess I’m writing because I feel so stuck. I like my job and I think I would be worse off elsewhere. But I feel that the current system is unsustainable for my health and is causing me a lot of stress. I would be grateful for anything that would make the situation a little easier.
You do not need a specific diagnosis to request an accommodation! Your doctor’s documentation can only cover the functional limitations that affect your work and outline the accommodations needed to allow you to do your job. Talk to your doctor and find out what type of accommodation will make it easier for you to do your job, and then talk to your company!
