A reader writes:
My father is seriously ill with cancer. When I told my boss about her diagnosis I was clear that I didn’t want to tell anyone else at work and didn’t want to talk about it.
I try to maintain a friendly relationship with my boss on a superficial level, but I’ve noticed that he gets really upset by other people’s boundaries if they aren’t the boundaries he chooses for himself. It seems like he deserves to know his employees’ private business, and he’s not someone I want to share my most private business with.
In our weekly calls (I work remotely), he keeps asking me about my father, including detailed questions about his diagnosis and treatment. This is painful for me. Yesterday during our conversation he asked me how long my father has to live. I was shocked (and angry) and after a pause said, “I was not involved in those conversations.”
He has told me several times that he thinks I should tell my internal business partners, with whom I work, about my father’s diagnosis so that they will go “easy” on me or extend the deadline. (So far, since I told my boss about the diagnosis, I’ve taken two days off in the weeks since, haven’t missed any work, and haven’t asked him for assistance with my workload.)
He said that if he had to reassign any of my work, he would have to explain to my coworkers why. He has said several times that because I’m already remote, I can work from anywhere and visit with my parents anytime I want (they live two hours away). The last time he said this, I told him that even though I would like to work with my parents, I couldn’t because I was busy taking care of my mother and comforting her. (I have been approved for intermittent FMLA leave through our third party administrator.)
How do I tell my boss, or do I let HR do it, that he is not entitled to this information about my family and can’t expect me to tell others and stop asking?
In the five years I’ve reported to them, my reviews have been good and I’ve been given a title promotion (since going remote), an annual raise, and most recently a discretionary bonus. That being said, I’ve never made a real fuss or complained about anything and, because of my experience with how he reacts to criticism or feedback or personal differences, I’m worried about retaliation. I’m especially concerned because he often says how he and the department director don’t like working remotely and that I’m a “special” case (the way he says it, it sounds like he’s annoyed by it). I was originally in the office, but when I transferred for personal reasons, the department director gave me permission to move away. I go to the office a few times a year and sometimes travel for work. Many people at the company work remotely but this is unusual for my department and I am alone.
The company is big, but our department is small. Because I’m not qualified or willing to work in a different department, there’s very little chance of getting away from this boss while still at my company.
Despite his behavior, I don’t have to interact with him much and the rest of my work is good, so I just want the intrusive questions and nagging to share my personal business to stop.
I feel sorry for your father! And I’m sorry that your boss is making an already difficult time even more difficult.
The next time she asks about your father, try saying: “Thanks for asking, but I’d rather not talk about it at work so I can stay focused on my projects! If anything changes that affects work, I’ll let you know.”
And then if he still keeps asking: “I really prefer not to talk about it at work because it’s upsetting, but I’ll tell you when you need to know something. Thanks for understanding.” (Obviously this isn’t something you should say twice, but obviously it can happen to your boss.)
You could also try, “I know this comes from a place of caring, but I would be grateful if you didn’t check in about the situation – it’s hard to think about it at work.” (it happens No Really it sounds like it comes from a place of caring, but sometimes it’s useful to indicate what you generally expect from a fellow human being.)
If he tells you again that you should tell coworkers about the situation so they can adjust their expectations of you, you can say, “Right now, this isn’t affecting my deadlines or availability, but if that changes, I’ll make sure people have any reference they need.” And if that time comes, “any references they need” doesn’t necessarily mean a full description of the situation! It’s okay to say, “I will be out due to a family health issue” or “family emergency” or whatever you are comfortable sharing. And if your boss needs to reassign any of your work down the line, you should proactively let him or her know that you’d prefer him or her to just say “family emergency” or “a death in the family” or whatever you feel comfortable with.
It’s very unlikely that your boss will retaliate against you by handling things this way! If this happens, you can certainly talk to HR, and the fact that you have FMLA arranged will help since federal law clearly makes FMLA retaliation illegal. But you’re not making a big fuss over it, just essentially saying, “This is a tough topic, I can’t talk about it at work, and I’ll let you know when something changes.”
