It’s Administrative Professionals Day! Last week we talked to assistants about the most ridiculous requests you’ve seen, and here are 17 of my favorite stories you’ve shared.
1. flusher
This was when I worked in a toxic doctor’s office. I was his wife’s administrative assistant, practice manager, and my desk was closest to the bathroom. She always wore a headset and once made a phone call while in the bathroom. When she finished using the bathroom, she came out and motioned for me to flush the toilet for her so her caller wouldn’t hear it.
2. Astrologer
When I was an assistant, my boss would give me input every day when Mercury was retrograde in her calendar.
3. Prayer
My boss at a legal staffing company once sent me to a church to light a memorial candle in honor of my late husband, and asked me to make sure to pray for him on his behalf. She told me she was too busy to go alone (I was her EA; she wasn’t) and I overheard her telling her adult children about the heartbreaking emotions she felt while lighting the candles.
This was my first job after college and I had a lot of respect for those in authority, so I did it. Even prayers, although we had no religion.
4. Eye drops
I was working in a Big8 accounting firm and for some time I had to put eye drops in the eyes of a senior colleague. (Editor’s note: Apparently this happened enough that two stories were submitted by two different owners requesting this.)
5. car
When my boss couldn’t park in her favorite spot in the parking garage, she would leave her car in the loading dock, come inside, and throw her keys at the reception desk. I had to park her car for her and, of course, bring it back at the end of the day because she had no idea where it was in the garage.
6. Binder Clip Preparation
I was the administrator for the president of a small medical software company for three years. I’ll order office supplies – just normal. But when I ordered new binder clips, I had to throw out the plastic cylinder of the clips and flip the tabs on each one, then put them back in (at which point they never fit properly in the cylinder and I had to jam them in, kind of). This was because when my boss wanted to use binder clips he was too busy to do it himself.
7. Mail Chute
This happened in the early 1990s, before the Internet and email. I worked as a salesman’s assistant in a bank and wore dress suits and pantyhose to work. My job was to help organizations prepare proposals for them. He had a Type A personality and I tried to meet his demands, even making sure the watermarks on the paper we printed on were consistently facing the same direction.
One day we accidentally sent a proposal with a part missing. It had already been delivered to the DHL bin in our mailroom and was waiting for its final destination. I asked why we couldn’t send the missing section separately, but my boss was worried it would seem unprofessional. He then suggested we both go to the mailroom together, where he would pick me up by the ankles and dump me upside down in a DHL bin to retrieve the package. He was completely serious. For a second, I imagined this scenario in which my skirt would slide down to my thighs. I refused In the end, we got some little guy from the mailroom to bring the proposal back for us, so everything worked out and my dignity remained intact.
8. Coffee
It was not such an unreasonable request, but I was very proud of my cunning at the time – I sometimes had to assist a woman who was notoriously mean to everyone. She always wanted Starbucks coffee, but the trouble was that the nearest Starbucks was 4 blocks away and there was always a huge line (this was before online ordering), so it took a long time to get it. He did it. No. Understand why her coffee magically didn’t appear even two minutes after asking for it.
Eventually, after being scolded several times, I asked the Starbucks barista for a bunch of cups and lids, and from then on, whenever this woman asked for her Starbucks coffee, I would simply walk into our kitchen, pour whatever Folgers coffee went into the shared pot, pour it into a Starbucks cup, pop the lid off, and bring it back to her. She never knew the difference.
9. light
My boss once messaged me to turn on his office lights even though he was already sitting there.
10. Avocado
As an assistant I got the stupidest request ever: to go out every morning to buy several avocados for the CEO’s selection. When she chose her favorite avocado, I had to cut it in half, top it with red pepper, and serve it on a plate. With chopsticks.
She once asked me to put the entire avocado setup in a ziplock bag on a paper plate so she could eat it (again – with chopsticks) while driving in the Hamptons. I assigned this job to my more senior assistant because I didn’t want to be held liable if his stupid ass did something on the road.
11. Garbage collector
I worked for a small organization that had small office space. Bosses refused to buy the city’s garbage and recycling services because rolling bins would be visible in a prominent location and it would “look unprofessional.” Instead, several times a week I was tasked with taking the office trash home and putting it in my residential trash can. I also handled some heavy garbage disposal piece-by-piece from the renovation before its start date.
12. Cook
At my first big job the EA was responsible for preparing lunch for the CEO every day. She cooked it at home the night before and heated it for him (always on the stove, no microwave allowed) and served it to him at the same time every day. Every other item on his agenda was left for lunch. Between preparation and then cooking the dishes, it took at least an hour a day.
13. Rehabilitation Driver
I was asked to volunteer to take the adult child of a non-profit CEO to rehab. To make matters worse, the adult child did not realize that the “appointment” was for a 30-day program. Needless to say, he refused. It was an awkward Uber ride back to the office.
14. Swimming instructor
After my first year of law school, I was hired by a law firm in my hometown for the summer as a law clerk/paralegal/administrative assistant/whatever the odd lawyer needed.
I mentioned that I was on the swim team in college. He swam a few times a week for exercise. I had to give him swimming lessons.
15. sofa
Early in my career, I was part of a small army of assistants supporting the owner/CEO of a reasonable-sized company. When I was hired, her office was undergoing renovation – and she was very upset by how new the leather sofa looked. Apparently, this was not in line with his carefully crafted vision.
To fix this, another junior assistant and I were given a highly specific task: bringing the sofa to life. How? Taking turns jumping on her in 30 minute shifts until she meets her beauty standards.
It was a very professional office. This was the 1990s. The dress code was strict. We wore pencil skirts and tights. Picture two tired assistants aggressively bounce-testing a leather couch as if it owed us money. It’s honestly a miracle that none of us pulled a muscle, or tore hosiery, or had to explain to HR why we were on the air in the CEO’s office.
The sofa was saved. so did we. barely.
It was at that moment that I realized I wanted to explore a different career path – one that didn’t involve trampoline-based interior design.
16. Fish Tank
Years ago, I worked for the sweetest, sweetest old man, who happened to be a lot younger. He also loved tropical fish, and had a wall-sized tank in his office of which he was very proud.
One day I heard him screaming my name, I ran into his office and turned the corner to see him standing on a step stool, drenched in his underwear. It was misleading to underestimate it.
It turned out that one of his fish had died and he was trying to use a net to retrieve the carcass from the bottom of the tank, but he couldn’t reach the fish and it fell in! He thought maybe I could help because I have long arms.
Once I got some clarity on what was actually going on here, I happily tried to help, but it was wallowing! I couldn’t even find the poor dead fish, but I called the fish tank guy (yes, we had a guy) for emergency rescue.
17. Denial
On my second day working for a renowned surgeon and department chair (and overall huge mess), he gave me his wife’s phone number to assist me with afternoon social activities over three days. (Note: The attendees were just his friends and social climbers.) I was so shocked, my spine went up unexpectedly and I told him that I was a state employee and would never do any personal work for him and certainly not for his wife. To his credit, he just said okay and never brought it up again. I really think he respected me for speaking up and the four years I worked for him were some of the best years of my working life.
