A reader writes:
I left the workforce a few years ago to become a stay-at-home parent. I love working and so I love hearing about other people’s work. When meeting someone new (often another parent my age), I sometimes ask, “So, what field are you in?” Or “So, do you work or go to school, or are you at home with the kids?” This often leads to further conversations such as how they got interested in their field, where they work and whether we might have mutual connections in our small, rural area (for example, “Oh, you work at (employer)? Do you know my cousin (name)?”) Or, if that person is a SAHM like me, it opens up an entirely different and equally satisfying conversation about motherhood.
I think most people are receptive to this question and it leads to interesting and pleasant conversations, but I recently read the question “What do you do?” This may be considered rude because you may be trying to make a judgment call about someone’s career or perceived income. Is discussing career taboo unless the person raises the issue himself? Is there a good way I can ask someone about their work while indicating genuine interest and no malicious intent?
Ha, well, you’re asking someone who grew up and is now back in the Washington, DC area, where he Always The first question anyone asks. (Sometimes it’s power-packed, but it’s also an area where a lot of people are in weird or specific jobs that they’re really passionate about and spend a lot of time with.) When I moved to the Pacific Northwest at one point, I was surprised to learn that people could know each other for months before they got their jobs. So there may be a regional component to this – and if you notice you’re the only one asking this, it may be useful information about your culture.
However, to give a more general answer: there Are People who hate being asked what they do – because they feel they will be evaluated based on their answer, or because they don’t like talking about work, or because they don’t want to be identified by their job. But it can also be a very common question, and the fact that you’re finding that most people are receptive to it and it leads to interesting conversations is a data point in favor of not feeling like you can’t ask.
Since you’re thinking about it, though, your words are “So, do you work or go to school, or are you at home with the kids?” It’s probably useful to signal that you’re not trying to use the person’s professional status to evaluate whether they’re worth the time to talk with you. You can also add, “Or what keeps you busy?” So that if someone wants to talk about their hobbies instead of their work, it’s clear that you would welcome that too.
