A reader writes:
My co-worker Chucky is worried. Lots of concerns. They’re not necessarily baseless – I’d say about 50% are completely reasonable, 40% have some basis but are mildly or significantly exaggerated, and 10% are ridiculous – but he brings them across with the attitude of a beleaguered martyr airing complaints rather than a professional co-worker addressing work issues. He often talks at length about his stress and frustrations and hints (or even explicitly states) that no one outside our department cares about the work we do or the people we serve.
My main problem is that sometimes Chucky raises issues in a way that implies he’s speaking on behalf of me and our other five coworkers. Often, I agree with some of the things he says – e.g., Chucky asks if I think the bells on the new llama harnesses are too loud (example made for anonymity), and I agree that they’re pretty annoying. But he believes they are so loud that no one in the afternoon llama show audience will be able to hear the handler speaking. He also thinks that the fact that the handling team did not consult our team indicates a serious communication failure between the two departments and has written a 1,000-word email detailing “our” concerns and sent it to everyone in my department and both managers.
I try to be more solution-oriented at work, and when I can, I’ll take Chucky’s complaints in a direction that our manager takes positively. But sometimes I don’t think there’s anything we can/should do. Of course, I would have liked the handling team to have consulted with us before making the purchase and raised the issue of the bell, but I do not feel it is my place to debate my fate unless I have evidence of a serious problem in my area of ​​expertise – as if the llamas are facing serious trouble.
He will use “our concerns” and “we feel” fairly frequently in writing and in person, but when it happens in person the problems are usually smaller, and he will come to us at some point for confirmation, at which point I can move toward solutions and use softer language. It’s still very awkward and I would love not to have to do this, but it’s low level stress. (I often feel special pressure to respond because Chucky and I have more experience and are generally more active than our other colleagues, who tend to be quieter in meetings. I’m probably the one who brings the second highest number of concerns to the table, and I can’t swear that my tone or word choice has been 100% correct. I guess my gaffes are mild and rare compared to Chucky’s but I’m not going to join him as the two people complaining. I am wary of.)
Their little emails come only a few times a year, but I usually find them hard to respond to, both because of the medium and the fact that the problems either have no easy solutions or they aren’t our solutions. (I think he saves the tough problems for email so he can plan the language he wants to use.) Sometimes he raises an issue with me first, takes my temperature, and I mildly agree, only to be surprised when an email goes out soon after. I generally don’t respond if I think I can avoid it, and most managers will respond without comment on the subject of the email. Chucky may personally complain about something to me and our coworkers, but not for too long, until the next problem comes along.
I should also mention that, due to some internal restructuring, our daily supervision has changed hands several times in the five years I’ve worked together, so this pattern is probably more obvious to me than to some of our supervisors.
What should I do? If I remain silent, it seems like I’m supporting Chucky’s overreaction, which has a bad effect on me. If I say “I don’t agree with their concerns at all,” it sounds dishonest – and I don’t even want to support the handover team’s decision, because I think it was a bad decision, not a disastrous one. I really want a professional way of saying, “I basically agree with Chucky but without all the theatrics.” Does it even exist?
It exists!
When it happens in person and Chucky is using “our concerns” and “we think”, you can fix it! For example:
* “I agree that the new harness bells are annoying, but I don’t feel that strongly about it. I don’t mind taking the llama handling team’s word on it.”
* “I’ve heard the concern, but I don’t think Chucky is speaking for the entire group on this. I don’t disagree in principle, but I don’t feel that strongly about it either.”
* “I hear the concern, but I also don’t think Chucky is speaking for the group on this. I don’t disagree in principle – and I told him I agreed that the bells were annoying when we talked about it – but I should have made it clear that I don’t feel that strongly about it.”
* “Eh, I agree the bells are annoying and I wish they had consulted us, but I don’t think we need to do anything about it now.”
You can also talk to him after the next meeting where he does this and say something like, “You’re presenting things as ‘our concerns’ and ‘we feel’, but I’d rather you not speak on behalf of the group without explicit consent beforehand. Sometimes this doesn’t accurately represent my stance – often because I don’t feel as strongly as you do – and if I have to interject to clarify it I’m distracting from what you’re saying. Don’t want.” Or even just, “Hey, you said it like I completely agree with you on this, but the way you explained it, I don’t really share your opinion. I want you to just speak for yourself when you’re bringing up this stuff, and I’ll speak for myself too.”
With email, you may be able to use a similar format – “I understand where Chucky is coming from, but now that they’ve ordered the bells, it’s probably easiest to stick with it. However you could talk to them about checking with us before they place their next order.” In other words, a gentle correction of where you stand and a pivot to resolution.
When Chucky first brings up the issue with you, you can try to avoid it all at first. You know from experience that if you express mild agreement, there is a good chance that he will later interpret it as strong agreement. So instead, you can try changing the feedback you’re giving her – leaning more towards things like “Eh, I don’t feel that strongly about it” or “I think it’s probably okay/not worth the capital/something we shouldn’t bother pursuing.”
Additionally, however, if you have a good relationship with your current manager, you can address this directly to him: “I’ve noticed that Chucky sometimes says things as if he’s speaking for the group when he raises concerns, but I don’t always agree with him or at least don’t feel that strongly, so I wanted to make that clear. If I feel strongly about something I’ll always speak up myself.”
