Last week I was asked to stay away from screens for a few days due to a possible injury (I’m fine), so this was originally published in 2012.
A reader writes:
What’s considered excessive when it comes to friendly displays of affection in the workplace?
We have a friendly female employee who regularly asks for hugs from people – not just other employees but outside visitors and volunteers who come to the office.
Part of this employee’s job is to greet people as they come in through the front entrance of the building. We are a small non-profit organization, open to the public. She’s not actually a receptionist, but she’s usually the one closest to the front when someone comes in. Often, this happens when someone arrives for the first time, usually with people she knows but has not seen for several days. But I also saw her approach a guest speaker she’d never met before, so I was a little surprised by that. She also contacts few such volunteers, even though they are infrequently involved. I can’t always tell if volunteers are receptive to it, or if they’re not saying anything at all.
These are not simple polite embraces of greeting, but highly demonstrative submissions. She also does it in a way that draws too much attention to herself – for example, she does full body hugs, sometimes for longer than necessary. I’m not sure how else to describe it. Her voice is naturally loud, so even if I’m in the other room, I can usually hear the expressions going on. She will loudly announce how much she loves hugs. This seems overly self-indulgent and unnecessary. I’m not trying to be judgmental, but I know others have expressed discomfort with it.
Some people have told her outright that they don’t like hugs, but others tolerate or accept it, while others completely agree with it and like the attention. At least one volunteer, who is retired from the insurance industry and worked with personnel training, complained to me that he found it very unprofessional.
She makes the excuse that she comes from a family that encouraged this behavior, which is fine, but I suspect it has more to do with an extremely demanding personal need for attention on her part. Although I generally have nothing against people hugging each other, the environment she brings is such that it’s almost like a type of therapy for her, and I don’t think that’s the place for that.
I would like to have a performance review with her in the future and address the topic of professional conduct in the workplace, explaining that what is good at home is not always okay at work. She is older than me, so it is not that she is small and innocent. Currently, our personnel policy is under review. Is there anything we should have specifically written in the policy to deal with such situations? We have a lawyer on our committee, so all legal questions should be covered.
But beyond the legal concerns, does this seem like something that could potentially turn into complicated social situations that could be prevented with a well-written policy? I would like to give this employee a clear recommendation to reduce this significantly. Many people stop by our office occasionally, and sometimes a quick and light hug is exchanged out of politeness (not a regular occurrence but it does happen), so it’s not completely foreign behavior. But where, exactly, is the line in something like this?
I’m not sure I can say exactly where the line is – but it’s somewhere, a long way from where this employee has reached. It’s not that it’s never appropriate to hug someone at work Are Offices where the occasional hug happens – but it definitely shouldn’t be the default way to greet someone. However, no matter where the line is for normal people, your employee has shown an inability to decide when it is and is not appropriate, so this needs to be stopped altogether.
The way to solve this is to talk to him, not to make any new policy. There is no need for a new policy when the problem is with only one person. Just talk to him.
And don’t wait for his performance evaluation – talk to him now. Performance appraisal should not be a surprise; You should keep giving feedback to people throughout the year. It is not appropriate to ignore someone in the review and it is also not good management to ignore the problems until then. (And I know sometimes it feels easier to wait for a formal evaluation, but that would be an abdication of your responsibility as his manager. You need to do it now.)
I would say something like this: “I really appreciate how friendly you are with visitors to the office. However, not everyone is comfortable with hugs in a professional environment, and they won’t always speak up because they don’t want to cause awkwardness. I know your intention is to be welcoming, but different people have different physical boundaries, and in an office, we have to err on the side of making sure no one feels uncomfortable with physical contact. So that means more No hugging.”
And you have to be very straightforward about this. Don’t be tempted to just tell her to “reduce the hugs” or “limit it to people you know,” because she’s already shown that she doesn’t have proper judgment here and can’t tell when someone will or won’t be comfortable with it. You have to tell him to stop it, period.
She may push back, and you have to hold on tight. If she’s suspicious, you have the option of explaining that you have complaints about it (though you should avoid mentioning names so that those people don’t find their relationship with her strained), but clearly, even without complaints, this is behavior you need to stop… because even if no one has talked about it, this behavior is unprofessional and may make at least some people uncomfortable. People have the right not to receive that type of physical contact (especially thick physical contact in the workplace!), and as an employer, it’s your responsibility to make sure your office isn’t making people physically uncomfortable.
If she continues to argue, you can simply say, “Whatever you do, no more hugging.”
You also need to make sure that she doesn’t start grumbling to visitors about this – “I’d hug you, but I’m not allowed to,” etc. If this happens, you need to address it immediately, explain to her that it is unprofessional, and perhaps have a broader conversation about professionalism.
And again, no policy is needed. You are allowed to give instructions to your employees that are not codified in the policy. In fact, most of The instructions you give employees will not be codified into a policy. Just talk to him. And do it now – don’t wait. I can almost guarantee you that some people who need to come to your office are dreading it because of the unwanted physical hug they know they will receive.
You can read the update of this post here.
