A reader writes:
My manager, Katherine, is a C-suite level executive who joined the organization eight months ago. She was previously my skip-level manager (former boss’s boss), but due to a major RIF/company restructure four months ago, my former manager is no longer with the organization, and I and another co-worker were asked to co-lead the remaining team, reporting to Katherine. Before the restructuring, I had probably met him twice, and at the time of my recent performance review, it was my second 1-1 meeting.
Many of the projects I worked on last year are no longer considered company priorities after this restructuring. During my performance review, Katherine admitted that she was unaware of most of the tasks I described in my last year’s goals (most of which are no longer team/department priorities) and instead shared general observations: positive qualities in curiosity and connecting with others, being well thought of in the company, but she felt my confidence and communication were not where she expected it to be at my senior individual contributor-middle manager level and she asked me to consider this, because she Wants me to develop more. Perseverance and patience.
After some self-reflection, I scheduled a follow-up meeting and shared that I thrive in collaborative interactive team environments and that her comments might be related to the previous structure of our team (one thing she was unhappy with was how the team was structured previously) and how I had been working essentially alone for most of the past year, despite my efforts to find an entry point into more collaborative work through my previous manager. I was so surprised, when I finished sharing, I suddenly started crying! I think it was a combination of feeling a lot of pressure to perform well due to the company’s current shaky financial situation, the stress of all these recent changes, impostor syndrome, and acknowledging some of the disappointments that have occurred over the past year.
Katherine was nice about this and said that from what she knew of my previous manager, she could understand how these situations arose, but she wanted me to develop the skills to not agree so easily in the future. I’m seeking a therapist to help me learn to manage some of these stressors in my life, but I’m frustrated by the unprofessionalism of the crying (and worried that Katherine, who hasn’t seen me do my best work yet, will think I can’t handle this role).
What, if anything, do I say when I talk to her again and how can I overcome this?
You’re definitely not the first person to cry in Katherine’s office.
I think more people cry in the workplace and in front of their managers than non-managers realize. The work is stressful and the risks can be high and, in my experience, people who are conscientious More There is a possibility of crying at work at some point. I used to keep a box of tissues prominently placed on my desk, and it’s not because I’m a nerd who makes people cry. People get work only occasionally.
In this specific situation, it’s more difficult because she was specifically talking about developing more perseverance and patience in you, and so crying definitely seems like the last thing you wanted to do in that moment. And it’s complicated by the fact that you haven’t had much contact with him before now, so there isn’t a strong relationship between the two of you yet to put all this into context. But she also knows very well that it’s been a tough year at your company and for you – there have been layoffs and massive shifts in priorities and your job has changed and you’re stuck working on your own and the company is still in a state of flux. Absolutely You are stressed. Absolutely The stakes feel high. If Katherine has even a little emotional intelligence, she gets it.
The best thing you can do to make her feel like you’ve left it behind is to say something like, “I’m sorry for seeming emotional during our last meeting.”
Say it in a matter-of-fact, casual tone. The idea is to reassure her that you are not a delicate flower who will react strongly if given feedback, and to re-establish the atmosphere between you since the last conversation.
From there, ignore it. Move on with the relationship as if it didn’t happen and trust that she will do the same. As you get more experience working together, that more direct experience will make a huge contribution to her understanding of what you like to work with and should soon completely overshadow this initial conversation.
