A reader writes:
I work for a large non-profit organization; I started here a few months ago. I’m a mid-career professional, and in general, I feel like I generally have pretty good instincts about how to handle interpersonal conflict at work. But I feel shocked by it.
In a recent call (on Zoom/video) with about 10 staff members, we were discussing a stressful work project where a lot of things are going wrong. One of the senior leaders on my team said (I’m paraphrasing), “If XYZ happens, I will kill someone.”
He did not name any specific person; They seemed to be expressing extreme frustration with how the project was going.
I tried to intervene with empathy, saying something like, “I know, this is a very stressful situation and it’s frustrating that we’re experiencing these issues.” Then the leader said, “I’m not joking. I’ll really kill someone.”
From this person’s tone and body language, I feel like they were actually (probably) joking… even though they said, “I’m not kidding!” But no matter what that person’s intentions were, it doesn’t feel right to me. The more I think about it, the more I feel (a) uncomfortable seeing people making murder threats in the workplace and (b) angry that I feel I need to spend time wondering whether my senior leader would actually do something harmful.
My feeling is this: Anytime someone says they intend to kill someone – themselves or someone else – we as a society should exercise caution and not ignore it. So I’m wondering if I should say something and if so, to whom?
There is no anonymous reporting tip line at our office, so options I’m considering include HR and my own boss, with whom I have a good relationship (although this person is their boss, so I feel uncomfortable with it).
PS For what it’s worth, I’m keeping my eyes and ears out to learn more about working at this place, because shortly after this, another person on the call said something like, “You’re not the first person to express murderous tendencies in a meeting today.” I’m starting to wonder if it’s just a toxic work culture.
It is much more likely that these people are using hyperbole to express frustration than that they are actually contemplating murder.
To put it bluntly, this is not good! People should not do this. But a lot of people talk this way, like a lot of people say, “If this printer jams one more time, I’ll throw myself out the window” without meaning that they’re actually contemplating self-harm.
You have the right not to hear that kind of thing at work. And people need to be more thoughtful about how their language might connect with someone who, for example, may have murdered a loved one or who actually threw themselves out of a window. People use these types of expressions without thinking about the fact that those things happen in real life, and their audience may even include people who have been affected by the exact thing they are joking about.
But it’s also true that this kind of exaggeration sometimes comes up in the workplace, and you’re generally expected to distinguish between obvious exaggeration and potential danger. I want to be clear – I’m not saying this is right, just that this is generally the reality.
As far as what to do, you can definitely talk to HR and/or your boss about what to do. They’ll probably tell you that it sounds like an exaggeration to them, and your boss in particular may know more about their boss who will put it into context. But you can point out that hearing things like this in the workplace is irritating and upsetting, especially when it’s someone brand new who doesn’t have a long relationship with the parties concerned, so put it in context, and suggest reminding people – and especially this manager – to be more thoughtful about their language.
