These are five answers to five questions. Here it is…
1. How to ask an employee to stop bossing his coworkers around?
I run a small, seasonal coffee shop with six employees. I typically have two to four returning employees per season, which is a huge asset.
An employee who has worked for me before has asked to come back, and while he is reliable, great with customers, and a very good barista, my other employees have struggled with him being a bit pushy and overbearing, sometimes giving inaccurate feedback on processes, and causing stress. His personality is so bubbly and big and I don’t believe he realizes what he looks like. I plan to sit down with him before the season starts and talk about how we can prevent this dynamic from repeating. I’m wondering how best to approach this topic without making them feel interrupted or uncomfortable.
Part of what I plan to do is tell them not to give instructions to coworkers at all, let me be the “bad guy” and address it if a problem comes up, and if they see something concerning, they should come to me and I’ll decide if it needs to be addressed, which will also give me the opportunity to tell them if they’re wrong. Where I’m struggling is that “mom” is a big part of their personality and I don’t want them to feel like they can’t relax in the space, but I also need to know how they impact their coworkers, and that contributing to a positive and safe work environment is part of their job. The flip side of this is that with me, they need a lot of reassurance that they’re doing well, that the coffee tastes good, that I’m happy with them, etc. Which means I don’t see the dynamics of their activities.
Yes, the right move is to tell them not to instruct or train their coworkers and instead flag things down for you so you can decide if and how to address it. This is true even if they identify themselves as a “mom” – because their coworkers may not want to be moms, and you may not want them to be moms, and in fact it has caused problems when they have.
They have to keep that tendency out of work – which is the case with all kinds of parts of people’s personalities! Don’t fall into the trap of thinking “it’s part of their personality so I can’t ask them to suppress it” – because that’s how we get work environments where all kinds of inappropriate things are tolerated. You are allowed to say (and in fact, as a manager often does to pass So to speak), “Personality trait or not, it won’t work for this location” (and they are allowed to decide if the job is still what they want under those conditions or if they want to move on).
2. I can’t get a word in edgewise during project meetings
I’ve recently been working on a project with people I haven’t worked with before. The type of project this is means we are regularly working with another external organisation. I have set up a meeting with one of my colleagues, Jim, and Sally and Anne, executives from another organization. I am equal to some people and junior to others, and in this project I am junior to everyone.
Sally, Anne and Jim all have previous work history together and know each other well. When we have meetings, these three are the type that talk…a lot…and don’t really let other people in on their ideas and suggestions. This has made it difficult for me because despite trying to raise my hand and bite, I have not been able to get a word in edgewise. Going above and beyond them isn’t really an option because of their roles in their organizations, and I have no control over the agenda.
It is not considered a good idea to talk to them directly about this and this is something all three of them are known for. He has a big personality and takes things very personally. So when you say something to them, even in a very constructive and thoughtful way, they will thank you for the feedback and then tell others behind the scenes that you are not a team player, and they will be petty and passive aggressive towards you. Do you have any advice on how I can overcome being boxed out and perhaps finally express my thoughts in this situation?
Is there ever an opportunity in these meetings to say, “I’m having trouble saying anything! I wanted to say something about Or, can you talk to Jim privately before the next meeting and get his help? Even if he’s part of the problem, he might be receptive if you frame it like this, “The three of you work so well together and you get along so well that I have trouble finding room to talk in our meetings! Do you have any advice on how I can make some space to contribute, too? I don’t want to alienate people, and it hasn’t really worked out when I’ve tried.”
If that doesn’t work, since you are the most junior there, these meetings can go like this. In that case, one option is to keep a running list of input and questions and later take it to Jim (since he’s your coworker) one by one.
3. Should I invite my boss to my housewarming party?
I recently moved into a new apartment, and my partner and I are gathering our ducks in a row for an impromptu housewarming party. Some snacks, BYOB, and some evening music in the coming weeks, as the weather gets nicer and we can use the backyard.
My team at work is a relatively young set-up (our ages range from late 30s to early 40s, with a few outliers on the plus or minus side of that bracket). I’ll send out an invite to my work chat group, with no expectations that anyone will be there.
I wonder if I should extend this to my manager as well. For reference, she’s also about 30, actually about a year older than me. We have a very good working relationship and understanding, so from a social point of view, I would have no problem inviting him and I don’t think others would too, because we all get along well in the team.
However, I know there is also a bit of an imbalance in terms of who his direct reports are, and some managers want to separate church and state and not socialize with their reporters.
If you’re inviting your entire team, it’s okay to invite your manager. She can refuse if she wants! If you’re only inviting a few people, I’d skip that.
If you want to be extra cautious, you can explicitly mention that there are no hard feelings if someone can’t do it, so no one feels pressured (but most people will assume that anyway, unless you’re the kind of person who regularly pressures people to do things they don’t want to do).
4. When to disclose neurological issues before a firm diagnosis
For the last one and a half year, I have been facing some neurological problems which are affecting my work to a great extent. These include lack of focus, limited memory (beyond general amnesia), and difficulty understanding. My manager has made it clear that my work is a problem; I am a director who is definitely not working at that level.
I’m working with doctors to determine what’s going on, but the process will take some time. In the meantime, I’m starting medications. At what point, if any, should I bring this up to my manager? Since I don’t have a diagnosis, I’m not sure exactly what to say. But since my performance has clearly been affected (and I’m concerned about my position), I’m wondering if I should say something.
Since your manager has already raised work issues with you, you should definitely make it clear that there is a medical context for this (so they don’t assume you just checked out, stopped caring, etc.). Say it this way: “I’m experiencing some medical issues that are affecting my focus and memory. I’m actively working with my doctor to figure out what’s going on and get it under control. We’re working on treatment, and I hope it’s resolved soon.”
Connected:
How do I deal with being off my game at work due to a medical condition?
5. How can I negotiate for maternity leave at a new job?
I started looking for a job a few months ago, and am now in the final rounds of interviews for a good position.
After my second interview, I found out I was pregnant. My partner and I are very excited, but there’s a problem: Employees at the new organization qualify for maternity leave after working there for 12 months, and they get eight weeks of vacation. If I accepted this position, I would work for about six months before giving birth.
My current organization offers 12 weeks of maternity leave, and I am already eligible for FMLA. Long term, the new situation makes more sense but this is my first child, and I want 12 weeks off to bond with them and recover.
I think I have bargaining power: I have a certain certification that is rare in my field, but required for a new job. It would save thousands of dollars if the organization hired me instead of sponsoring the certification for someone else. If I am offered the position, how do I negotiate 12 weeks of maternity leave?
Once you receive the offer you can be very specific: explain that you would love to come on board and are excited to work with them. And You are pregnant and due in (month) and your current employer offers 12 weeks of maternity leave, and ask if they are willing to extend maternity leave for you starting in (month). If they agree, get it in writing.
